Short Tempers and MS

“Sorry, I’m not really angry with you, but please just stop whatever it is that you’re doing that is driving me CRAZY,” says the MS patient who has lost all his/her patience.

Do you ever feel like that? I do, too often (said with a sheepish downward glance).

I never used to be short on patience for myself or for others, but in recent years, I notice that my fuse has gotten terribly short. I can become ill-tempered at the swift turn of a moment.

Anecdotally, a small number of fellow MS patients have expressed experiencing something similar. At times it seems like anger arises very quickly, or that there are fewer filters through which anger is dispersed.

I was curious to see if there were official connections between MS, short tempers, anger, and extreme mood swings documented in the literature. Various MS societies worldwide offer pages of information related to MS and mood disorders including depression, anxiety, emotional lability, and pseudobulbar affect. But these explanations do not seem to fit what I feel every once in a while.

Part of the time, I feel overwhelmed which contributes to my internal flame. For example, I went shopping recently with my mother for new pants. The saleswoman was very attentive, almost TOO attentive, and wanted to make sure that we had what we needed.

Although I imagine that none of us like to feel like we’ve been abandoned in a dressing room, I now wonder if it’s possible to get too much attention.

Tap, tap, tap…..”how’s the ‘jean no.2’ working out for you?” I hadn’t even taken off jeans no.1 yet and was helping my mother with her own selections. “Do you want me to bring you anything else?” I was also fielding questions from my mother asking what I thought of different options and I was quickly beginning to feel overwhelmed.

Eventually I took a big, deep breath and ask my mom to SLOW it DOWN with the questions. Next thing I know she’s moved into recreating a scene from the old TV show “TAXI” where during the written portion of a driving exam, Jim asks, “what does a yellow light mean?” and his co-worker Bobby whispers, “slow down.” Jim’s response is to ask again, “what….does…a….yellow…light….mean?” in an exchange that repeats itself a few times growing ever more ridiculous.

Aargh, funny enough, but not helpful when I’m trying really hard not to snap at persons who don’t deserve it and are just trying to help me the best way they know how.


Read this post in its entirety:
Just Stop It! Short Fuses and MS

Six Non-Medical Issues Caused By Multiple Sclerosis

Factors that affect quality of life are not always easily visible. Here are the top non-medical issues that can impact quality of life (QoL) for those diagnosed with multiple sclerosis and their family members.

An emotional journey from the start.

The MS journal is not just a physical one, it can be an emotional one as well. Before diagnosis, there may be feelings of uncertainty and denial of symptoms. At diagnosis, patients may feel afraid, angry, wonder ‘why me?’, and become isolated. For some, receiving the label of MS can feel a burden and cause great fear in the absence of knowledge about the disease.

Understanding the disease and the disease process.

Patients need to be equipped with knowledge and coping skills to live well with MS, but doctors may be reluctant to share too much information to avoid overwhelming them. A survey study of patients and caregivers identified a desire from both groups for medical professionals to be more forthcoming with information about MS in a manner and format that is easy to understand. Patients and caregivers expressed a need to know what MS is, and what the best solution is for them personally.

Uncertainty renewed, again and again.

During the course of the disease, patients may re-experience many of the same emotions from the times of disease onset and diagnosis due to changing circumstances caused by disease activity or social challenges. Patients who visualize their most feared outcomes may have a pessimistic view of MS which in turn may amplify their symptoms and interfere with QoL.

Read this post in its entirety:
6 Non-Medical Issues that Affect Your Life with MS

Tending to Your Emotional Health

Winter has been cold this year!!  Brrrrr……  “Stay warm” seems to have become the universal salutation around here.  Staying warm is not something which we normally have to worry about inside the house; however, a few weeks ago we had an emergency at home which took out our heating system with one big crash in the basement. 

We live in an old house with an ancient hot water radiator system.  It’s a low maintenance system that does a pretty good job keeping the house warm even with our drafty windows.  There’s not much we have to do besides bleed the radiators occasionally to release pockets of air that collect at the top of each radiator.  If enough air builds up, heated water cannot freely flow through the pipes and the radiator’s heating may be sub-optimum.

The big crash came from the overflow water tank, which was hanging from the ceiling in the basement above the boiler, tumbling down and taking out some of the pipes in the process.  Water proceeded to drain from the radiator system and flood the basement.  By the time the boiler/heater repairman arrived, temperatures in the house were slowly dropping on a late Friday evening.  It was about to get really cold inside the house.


Read this post in its entirety:

Living Well: Releasing the Emotional Air Bubbles

Positive Focus Learned in Studying Music

During graduate school, I studied with a number of horn professors, each of whom had their own style of performing and teaching.  Some were very positive and nurturing and others were rather demanding (and loud).  Certainly the kinder, gentler teachers were less frightening, but did they actually push me hard enough to be my best.  Without the luxury of having contrasting and complementary experiences, I would not be the person/performer/teacher I am today.

In my own style of teaching, I try to blend the best of my experiences and cater to the needs of each child.  One of my goals is to provide each student with the necessary tools to measure his/her own progress and to learn how to be self-nurturing and self-demanding at home.  Each student becomes his/her own teacher.

Sometimes I think that life teaches us lessons and, although it may be uncomfortable or awkward at times, these lessons help to shape the way we function in the world.  When someone asks you how you are doing, really doing, what types of things are the first ones which come to mind?  Do you focus on the positive or the negative initially?  My gut reaction is often to focus on what is “wrong” in a situation.  It takes practice to focus on the positive first.

Read this post in its entirety:

Lessons Learned in Music Help to Improve My Health

Be Straight With Your Doctor

An excerpt from a recent post at HealthCentral:

Earlier this month, I wrote about the stress and anxiety I have been experiencing lately.  It's hard to believe that it was almost three weeks ago I wrote that post.  I blinked and here we are at the end of April.

Before my appointment with the nurse practitioner at the neurology clinic, I filled out the symptom checklist (found on page 3 of the returning MS patient forms).  The checklist is very helpful.  Along the left side of the page are symptoms such as loss of vision, vertigo, weakness (arms/hands - left/right), trouble walking/falling, memory loss/cognitive problems, bowel problems, etc.  For each symptom, you are asked to indicate on a scale of 0 to 5 the severity of each symptom (0=absent, 1=mild, 3=moderate, 5=severe).

For the symptom “depression/anxiety,” I went for the maximum and indicated a “5.”  When my nurse came into the room and quickly glanced at the checklist, she was able to zero in on my current, most disabling symptom.  No beating around the bush.  We got down to business and talked about the state of my mental health.

Read this post in its entirety:

Anxiety and Multiple Sclerosis: Seek Help!

Taking Time For Yourself to Counter Stress and Anxiety

After writing about anxiety and life events of the past week (post excerpted below), I took a few days away from blogging to get some rest.  For the next few weeks, I really need to focus on events in my physical life.  Please excuse me if it gets a little quiet around here.  Thanks. 

*****
Life has been crazy lately.  I seem to be two steps behind, no matter which direction I reach.  As I result, I feel the stress and anxiety beginning to mount.  In fact, it is already mounted and is at a full gallop.  I’m being dragged behind the tallest imaginary Clydesdale horse I’ve ever seen.  I’m trying to find my feet.

Since the beginning of this year, life has been moving at lightning speed.  Some of it has been exhilarating, some of it has been duty-bound.  All of it has zapped my energy reserve and I’d like for it to slow down just a bit.  So many tasks accomplished, but still too many left undone with ends dangling loose. 

Take writing a post, for example.  I have started many started.  I’ve begun research on great topics.  I’ve read hours of material and saved countless pdf files on my computer for future reference.  Yet, I’ve not been able to complete them to be shared here on HealthCentral. 

Can I be straight with you?  I am underwhelmed with my ability to keep things under control lately.  I am seeing the monster called depression (usually stuck in the corner pouting because he can’t be set free) grow braver and venture out of its cage to cause mischief and mayhem.  (Side note: the word mayhem makes me smile a bit.  Reminds me of the car insurance commercials with the “mayhem” character.  Love those.)

Read this post in its entirety:

Stress, Anxiety, Multiple Sclerosis, and Mayhem

I cried today.

In the past few days, I've accomplished much less than I desired.  Not that I haven't been busy, because I have, but that there is so much more to be done.

Just as I mentioned in the recent "superpowers" post, I wish that I could simply conceptualize something and it would be accomplished, completed, created, finished, etc. 

That's not the way things work.  So today, when Rob and I were talking about what needed to happened (or that we wished would happen) before joining our households, I began crying. 

Just a frown at first, then halted breathing, and finally full-blown tears.  It was uncontrollable (kinda like my life feels right now).

I can't do everything by myself.  I can't do it all alone. 

At least I exploded in tears rather than in some other way.

So today, it was good, I cried.

Carnival of MS Bloggers #107

Welcome to the Carnival of MS Bloggers, a bi-weekly compendium of thoughts and experiences shared by those living with multiple sclerosis.

New Days with MS

Wake Me Up

by Sarah of Making Calm

The dampness is frightening. But not yet.  It will seep through and make a rain in my bones, i know. A deep murky mixture of water and rubble climbs slowly up the side of the bed.  We are awash on our beds, screaming at swimming  buses swinging round like  boats. But I am asleep. Through closed eyes i watch. They are collecting at a building. At the base of a hundred steps. A building, once magnanimous, now crumbling. They kneel as water fills its cracks and fissures under a dying sun. A stranger comes to lie beside me. Tired perhaps. But i am irritated. I turn over. I am asleep. Let me go, my precarious dream. Of a damp, wet and dying world…. Let me stay. A drunken awareness tugs at my lids. The expected, pain, finds its way in. Shoots through, pinning down my shoulders, and finds its nest in my hip.  I cannot scream anymore. I cannot cry. I am awake. My pupils dilate and contract searching for my will. I dont know how well i will be today. But it is a new day. And it has begun.

daily image: 1/12/12, #779

by Stephen of Captured Light

shot with my new canon s100.

Getting Over the Grief

By Catherine of A Life Coping with MS

There's a general theory out there that everyone who suffers a loss goes through five stages of grief in order to come to terms with what or who has gone. In fact, many people believe these stages are more applicable to someone facing an illness or disease rather than someone who has actually lost someone. And I'm starting to understand why.

Because while I always state, very clearly, that I am still 'me' - of course having MS has changed me and coming to terms with 'Catherine who has MS' hasn't always been an easy ride. There's no doubt in my mind that I've grieved for the me 'before'.

So, in case you're wondering, the five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

The stages don't always work in this order and a few theories I've had a quick read at also say that they can pop in and out at different times. For me, unbelievably, the first stage I encountered was probably the one most people face last, and that's acceptance.

On diagnosis I was very stoic, determined and I suppose this is because I finally had a reason for the previous months (even years) of feeling unwell. Finally I had a name for everything that I thought I was imagining.

But acceptance doesn't mean that I haven't had days of the other four stages.  In fact, I started writing this post some weeks ago when I was going through a 'low' period - I guess that would be the depression stage. And there wasn't anything that triggered it. I simply felt incredibly emotional and teary-eyed. And it was horrible.

Along the way I have also had moments when I've felt the anger bubbling under the surface until I can hold it in no longer, shouting out in pure frustration, 'Why me?' Because I am bloody angry. I'm angry that no matter how hard I've worked, how much love and care I've shown others, that this blasted illness still choose me.

It's often after an angry moment that the bargaining stage takes over. In my mind I can hear myself saying, 'Maybe they did make a mistake. Maybe if I can just be a better person the MS will disappear.'

But in my heart of hearts I know it's going nowhere. I mean, the NHS wouldn't have me injecting myself with very expensive medication if I didn't have MS now, would it?

Ah, and in creeps the denial - without me even realising it.
If only it were true.

The Irony Is ...

by Judy of Peace Be With You

Most people will share
really good or really bad
accounts of their lives.

The daily humdrum
muted play of emotions
does not get much play.

The irony is
we mostly dwell, laugh, and cry
in the commonplace.

The Quest to Reinvent Myself
by TamDe of Shalom Babayit

I was a physical person. Not a rock climbing, landscaping, house renovating, kayaking kind of physical. Rather I was a cookie baking, soup from scratch making, closet organizing,decorating, wallpaper hanging, leaf raking, dog walking kind of physical. I loved the feeling of accomplishment, not so much from "creating", but from "organizing". That was before Ms.

I worked as an optician for over 12 years. It was a career change for me coming from the field of retail. I thought I wanted to "help people". What I discovered was that my favorite part of the job was decorating the frame boards and keeping our desks tidy. I preferred straightening out our work area. Not so much the fabrication of the glasses though. It is a precise skill that uses metal and hard objects to form functional devices. I would rather work with soft fabric and scrunch it to make it fit. While opticians work in millimeters, I would rather measure an ooch or a scowtch. If you sew, you know what I mean! And then, sadly and admittedly, I discovered I was not so much into the "helping people" part of opticianry. The reality is it was more of a my glasses are crooked kind of complaining and whining. Yeah, there were more than a few people who truly appreciated my skills to realign their progressive lenses or reshape their bent frames. I loved the people who gushed appreciation when I simply changed their nosepads. Such a small thing to create huge comfort. But, unfortunately, one "oh shit" would wipe the whole slate clean. The patient who complained her glasses were too big or too small, too blue or too red were the majority of the customers.

I worked in a large office where I could have contact with the MDs and ODs if I wanted to. In general, they tried to project an atmosphere of openness, but for the most part, I felt my questions were irritating them. Oh, not all the docs! Some sincerely appreciated my attempts to help their patients! But again, one oh shit wipes the whole slate clean, and I would become acutely aware that I was cutting into the doctors chair time. Redoes cost money, and it would be a finger pointing battle of who messed up: was the prescription wrong, or were the glasses made wrong? Oh well, such is the responsibilities of every job. No matter where you work or what you do, that is what it means to be accountable.

As MS waged its relentless progression on my body, my left side became weaker. I could no longer adjust or fix glasses. After I fell once, I knew it was time to rethink things. After I fell the second time, my husband became concerned. The true wake up call came one day when the fire alarm sounded. An electrical problem on the 3rd floor of the building caused the alarm to go off. As we all headed outside to a cold winter afternoon, my friend went to get my coat. Others waited while I slowly navigated the stairs. They were worried about me. In reality, this was not good. I knew if it had been a true fullout disaster, they were risking their own safety to assure mine. It was that event that forced me to acknowledge that it was not right for me to continue to work.

It's coming up on one year that I've been home and acquired the dubious distinction of the label disabled. I've spent the year acknowledging the limitations MS has caused. I realize the importance of having a "can do" attitude rather than focusing on what I can't do now. I know I should use this life changing experience to rediscover myself. But I'm not an artist or a writer. I'm not a stargazer or a theologian. I don't have the answer yet to who I am or what I'll do. But I do have plenty of time now to think about it.

In Need Of A Better Disguise

by Karen of Meandering...One moment please

preparing for the day

unsteady hands apply the camouflage for the face

though not deftly placed

obvious ailments are masked

if only the makeup could extend the length of the body

concealing the disabilities

that scream...

she

is

a

sick

person

there is no hiding that

~Karen

This concludes the 107th edition of the Carnival.  The next Carnival of MS Bloggers will be hosted here on February 16, 2012. Please remember to submit a post (via email) from your blog of which you are particularly proud, or which you simply want to share, by noon on Tuesday, February 14, 2012.

Thank you.

Comments for this post.

Mixed Emotions Surround an MS Diagnosis

In looking back at the various emotions I felt during the events surrounding my MS diagnosis, I was mildly surprised at what surfaced within my memory.

clueless-ness, terror, relief, anxiety, hope, dispair, acceptance

Read this post in its entirety:
Emotions Before, During, and After a Diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis

PMS, Volatile Emotions, and MS

This post is for the women living with MS and the caregivers who live with the women living with MS. (are you with me so far?) Today, I’d like to talk about premenstrual syndrome, emotional volatility, and multiple sclerosis. Men, you may want to stick around for this discussion; it just might affect you too.

There are several small studies which have explored the relationship between the menstrual cycle and pseudoexacerbations in MS. One such study investigated the role of body temperature and use of aspirin as prevention, published by Dr. Dean Wingerchuk and Dr. Moses Rodriguez in the Archives of Neurology 2006;63:1005-1008. Another article, Understanding Fluctuations of Multiple Sclerosis Across the Menstrual Cycle by Dr. Maria Houtchens, Ninel Gregori, and Dr. John Rose, was published by the Consortium of Multiple Sclerosis Centers.

Anecdotally, there are a number of MS bloggers who discuss this very phenomenon of increased symptoms in their monthly lives.

Before developing MS, I never experienced severe premenstrual symptoms nor the related emotional swings. Honestly, I didn’t. (Please don’t throw any tomatoes at me.) Sure, I had painful cramping that would keep me in bed and a heavy flow which would last a full week. But really it was only the intense craving for chocolate and insatiable hunger which clued me in what time of the month it was, if I had forgotten.

Read this post in its entirety:

Mood Swings, Medication, and Multiple Sclerosis

Carnival of MS Bloggers #39

Welcome to the Carnival of MS Bloggers, a bi-weekly compendium of thoughts and experiences shared by those living with multiple sclerosis.

Honesty, Vision, and Perspective

Orange You Glad I Typed
by Kmilyun

Here is one of my favorite orange shots. I took it in 2007. it was one of my first macro shots that captured what my eyes and brain were seeing.

I loved the powder laying there, the pollen, ready to perpetuate the species.

I have always been fond of bright colors. Orange is one of those colors that I can not wear – it makes me look jaundice, as do browns, and yellows.

Noticing the little things, the small details that many pass by, comes naturally to me. I miss being able to hike somewhere and find the little hidden gems. Colorful moss on a rock, rusty old nails along a shore where a town used to thrive, and birds resting after flight.

Sometimes it really pisses me off when other bloggers with MS write about all the cool things they are doing. I get jealous. Then again the MS Societies pamphlets, videos, etc. usually show young, good looking people that relay a positive outtake – good PR? Trying to keep us positive?

I am not so positive about my vision doing wonky things. I hope sometime this summer my eyes will be clear and my balance and legs muscles will allow me to get out and snap some shots. My camera has the fully automatic mode but it just kills me to dumb down and use it.

I had a dream the other night were the orange flowers were turning into the orange logo’s of MS. I woke up thinking how crappy that was. There I was hiking up a hill and every time my lens was focused on the poppies they turned into out of focus MS logos! How suck-o is that??

Finding the Muse

by Nadja

I lay in the darkness but sleep eludes me.
A clutter of useless thought crowds my mind,
These worries wash me in discontent.
But there is no need for worry--

I shove aside all concerns and center my mind.
I escape this husk
Travelling through visions of creation
In this state, everything I imagine, I can create.

It comes to me within these visions--
Time is key
Take the time,
I can manifest each thing I imagine

Results become unimportant.
I am adrift in sensory images.
My hands caress this design I have crafted from old things made new
I feel the texture of the fabric beneath my fingers.

I am not troubled by the distance of my vision
I can see now that I will create this thing
It does not matter when
It does not matter how long it takes

Just the existence of each artistic vision
Ensures I will somehow create what I imagine
There are no words to describe it
Behind my closed eyes, it is entirely clear.

I can wait--
I just must remember the things I have fancied,
As I drift toward slumber
They warm and inspire me--

Choosing Our Perspective 
by Michael of Perspective is Everything

What is perspective? It is more than just how we view everything. Perspective is how we choose to view everything.

Do we really have a choice about our perspective?

We make decisions all day long: what to eat, what to wear, what to do, etc. We are in complete control over those decisions. Yet somehow, we think or have decided that there is a distinction between those seemingly ‘practical’ decisions and the decisions we make about the feelings that we have.

The fact is each and every one of those practical decisions is based on feelings. We even use language that confirms that we have control over these feelings. “What do you feel like eating?” “What do you feel like wearing?” “What do you feel like doing?” At a minimum, we all have to agree that we have control over at least some of our feelings. That leaves us with only one question: why is it that we control some of our feelings and not all of them? The answer is simple. It is because we choose not to.

Aren’t some of our feelings beyond our control?

Choosing not to have control over some feelings, serves some people very well. If we do not have control over something, than how can we possibly be responsible for it? There is a certain logic there, albeit flawed logic. The reason it is flawed is because it is not true: if we agree that we can control at least some of our feelings, then logic says we must also have the ability to choose which feelings we control.

As adults we make decisions all day long that are based on our feelings. The next question is what distinguishes the feelings that we control from the feelings that we do not control? Is it the strength of the feeling? Is it rage? Depression? Euphoria? Whatever the reason is, who determines the controllable feeling from the uncontrollable one. The answer can only by us, ourselves. Yes, it is true and it does happen that sometimes decisions are made for us. But no one other than ourselves can decide how to feel. In other words, we may not be able to control all that happens in our lives, but we are always in control of how we respond. We get to choose our perspective.

Perspective is deciding how we feel.

Only we can make the decision about how we feel. Only we can know the reasons or reasoning behind our decision. It may be that we don’t know the reasons why we feel a particular way. But whether known or not, our perspective is our decision. It includes every moment of our history, every feeling that we have ever had, the sum of all the experiences that brought us to this time and place. Our perspective is our choice and no one else’s.

Do we always exercise control over our perspective? No, because we are still human and still fallible. But knowing that we do have a choice and that we can often do better, may help us in choosing a better perspective.


This concludes the 39th edition of the Carnival.

The next Carnival of MS Bloggers will be hosted here on July 16, 2009. Please remember to submit a post (via email) from your blog of which you are particularly proud, or which you simply want to share, by noon on Tuesday, July 14, 2009.

Thank you.

Comments for this post.

Depression, Emotions, and Doctor's Visits

Here are some things I've written recently for your reading pleasure:

Depression, Inflammation, and Multiple Sclerosis

The Blues are Nothing More than a Lack of Red in Your Life -

Paint Your Walls Pink and You'll Never be Sad Again

Shock, Anger, Denial - Common Initial Reactions to a Diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis

[T]he first year for me was the hardest.... because of the myriad of emotions slapping me upside the head.

How to Prepare for Your Doctor's Visit

Do you ever leave your doctor’s office and think of questions you forgot to ask?

I’ve done this too many times, but now I’ve developed a plan which has turned out to be highly successful. Here’s what I do.