Focusing on Your Relationship

Multiple sclerosis is an obnoxious intruder that can invade a relationship and erode a couple’s sense of togetherness faster than you can see it coming. MS is unpredictable, from symptoms that fluctuate on a daily basis to fears of the unknown when looking toward the future.

MS often pushes the limits of our sense of normalcy while placing extra demands upon a marriage, partnership, or friendship. Dealing with the effects of MS may require a multitude of adjustments as each person, and couples together, begin to create a ‘new normal.’

While MS can come between two individuals within a relationship, it can also bring partners together. It’s important to remember, however, that MS doesn’t need to become the focus of the relationship. Here are four simple ways to strengthen the relationship and keep MS in its place.


Read this post in its entirety:
Maintaining a Strong Relationship Despite MS

Carnival of MS Bloggers #162

Welcome to the Carnival of MS Bloggers, a monthly compendium of thoughts and experiences shared by those living with multiple sclerosis.

Suffering Disappears, Love Remains

by Meagan at Multiple Sclerosis, Motherhood, and other Traumatic Experiences

Do you ever have days when you feel like it has all become too overwhelming?

My grandparents, both in uniform during WWII

My grandparents were a living example of heroism and true love despite devastating life circumstances. Have you seen those movies with an unbelievable love story, overcoming all odds?

This is a true story.

When I feel weak, I think of them. When I feel overwhelmed with my lot in life, I think of them. When I want to give up, cursing the universe for the bad hand I was dealt, I think of them.

My grandmother with Bob Hope at the USO, 1940s, Hollywood, CA

Their story began on a Southern California beach in the 1940s, just after World War II began. It was love at first sight, according to my grandparents. My grandfather describes my grandmother as "the most beautiful girl he had ever seen." From that moment on, they hung onto each other through it all, never giving up on this commitment. They both joined the military during the war, my grandmother serving as a WAC, my grandfather in the Army.

Soon after, they married and started a large family, with 3 girls and 4 boys. My mother was the oldest girl, and took on a great deal of responsibility for her younger siblings.

This beautiful love story began to take a turn.

My grandparents on their wedding day, 1945

That beautiful image, that perfect wedding day....the meeting on the beach, the love that brought these two together. This is the foundation of a relationship that would truly stand the test of time, and the test of multiple sclerosis.

Sometimes, difficulties bring out the best in people. Sometimes it takes struggle to find out who we really are, and what we are truly capable of. My grandparents were about to experience that struggle first hand.

My grandmother began to experience new neurological symptoms, new emotional instability, and eventually full blown seizures. The health history of my grandmother is somewhat unclear, because this was occurring in the 1950s, before MRI, before a solid understanding of multiple sclerosis. After years of symptoms and hospitalizations, my grandmother was eventually diagnosed with MS. At this time, the disease was poorly understood, and no treatments whatsoever were available.

My grandmother, mother, and aunt/uncles: 1960s

Looking back, I believe that my grandmother may have had a very progressive form of MS, and combined with almost daily seizures, this led to a rapid decline. A wheelchair made it's appearance when my grandmother was in her 40s, and eventually she needed nursing care and was bedridden. When faced with the option to move my grandmother to a nursing home, my grandfather refused.

Here is the beautiful part of the story.

My grandmother with her caregiver

My grandfather decorated a beautiful, sunny bedroom for his wife. He hired a caregiver who was a wonderful part of the family, present every day to care for the seven children and my grandmother while he worked. He must have been physically and mentally exhausted. He worked full time, served as husband, father of seven, caregiver, and breadwinner.

The family continued to grow, with myself and many other grandchildren making an appearance. Family Christmases, weddings, and other celebrations always included my grandmother. The love between my grandparents could be felt strongly if you were near them, and for many years, the love grew and the care continued. Eventually, however, my grandmother lost her battle with MS.

My grandfather lived on for another 15 years, gardening, visiting with many grandchildren, and enjoying holidays with the family. He would always say that he was going to see his wife again someday. He was waiting for that day.

My grandparents...1980s

The strength of the human spirit is incredible, isn't it? The ability of a human being to sustain the daily grind, work, children, marriage, illness, and even death. The depth of our strength cannot truly be known until we face challenges like MS. We must undergo many changes in life, adapt, overcome, and go on. 

On their grave is the quote "Suffering Disappears, Love Remains."

When you think about it, isn't that the truth? Our suffering isn't permanent. It isn't forever. But do you know what is? Love.

My grandmother with Louis Armstrong, 1950s

With my own diagnosis, I have seen my grandparent's story as a source of inspiration. I have a large family of my own, with six children depending on my husband and myself. I look at my grandparent's story and realize that anything is possible. There is no "I can't." I can and I will. 

When you feel that life has handed you a lousy deal, keep in mind: You are strong and capable. Your strength comes from a place deep within, and you won't believe how strong you can be when you have to. Lean on those around you when you need to.

MS certainly presents a great challenge to each of us, but I am so grateful for the many new treatments available, and the ongoing research. We live in a time of hope and promise, as far as MS goes. We are fortunate.

Despite everything we endure in life, it is still "A Wonderful World," isn't it?

Please Join Me at iConquerMS™

by Lisa Emrich at Brass and Ivory

This concludes the 162nd edition of the Carnival.  The next Carnival of MS Bloggers will be hosted here on December 4, 2014. Please remember to submit a post (via email) from your blog of which you are particularly proud, or which you simply want to share, by noon on Tuesday, December 2, 2014.

Comments for this post.

What is romantic to you?

Now that Valentine’s Day has come and gone, it seems to be a good time to talk about REAL romance.  As we are bombarded annually with images of red roses, pink hearts, boxes of chocolate and sparkling jewelry, it becomes too easy to believe that a person in a relationship should expect these overly commercial expressions of affection.  They are absolutely not necessary and do nothing to strengthen bonds of intimacy (however it is nice to know that someone went out of their way to do something nice for you, any time of year).

"Romance is the glamour which turns the dust of everyday life into a golden haze."
-- Elinor Glyn


Read this post in its entirety:

Has MS Changed Your Idea of Romance?  Question of the Week

Note: Sorry this post didn't go out as scheduled, however it's never too late to talk about romance.

Love, Relationships, Multiple Sclerosis, and Rheumatoid Arthritis

In honor of Valentine's Day, please enjoy the following story about how Rob and I met.

When I met Rob over 6 years ago, I did not ‘have’ MS nor RA.  I was just a regular, seemingly heathy, person who was ready to meet someone.  Although my medical records did have hints of what was to come, I carried no significant diagnoses.

We were set up on a blind date through a local dating service.  Rob’s life and interests were described to me as were mine to him.  When we met and compared notes, we both laughed at how we were described to each other.  In fact, from that description, I wasn’t quite sure that Rob and I would have had enough in common.  But he saving grace was that he had played cello through college, even performing in a regional orchestra.  Now THAT was something interesting to learn about.  It’s funny….he was told that I was a teacher, omitting the part about my career pursuing music.


Read this post in its entirety:

Love: With and Without Disease

Carnival of MS Bloggers #85

Welcome to the Carnival of MS Bloggers, a bi-weekly compendium of thoughts and experiences shared by those living with multiple sclerosis.

Dreams, Joy, Love

THIS IS A DREAM I HAD

by Mary of It is what it is, until it isn't what it once was

I found myself standing in a heavy fog. Trying to see through it I looked down at my feet, at first I couldn't see them. As the fog started to dissipate, I found myself standing on grass. I started looking up from my feet and seeing a field of grass. The fog was thinning I still couldn't see very far, but I wasn't afraid. Instead I was amazed at how peaceful and calm I felt.

I saw someone coming towards me, it was Rusty the dog I found when I was a child. As he came closer it looked as if he had the same ball he had when he found me. Running right behind him was Honey girl without a rock that had been her trade mark in life. It was odd but not surprising that we understood each other. We knew it wasn't my time to be with them yet, that I was just visiting.

As we were greeting each other, I noticed they both had all their teeth. I knew they always have toys, balls and someone to play with. They were so happy, we started running, playing catch and keep-away, Shadow showed up and we started to wrestle. Rusty was gnawing on my elbow, as Shadow was running around us, trying to distract Honey girl, as she was barking at me as I tried to grab her paws. Shadow joined us as it turned into a pet me, rub my belly, scratch my ear. With only having two hands the one not getting attention, was giving me kisses then all three were licking my face. I rolled around until I could get up and started running, then I turned and started chasing them. As we were playing I noticed that more dogs had joined in the fun. Some I knew very well, others knew me better than I knew them, but I remembered them all, it was nice to see them all again. Most didn't stay long but some did.

We came upon a lake that was clear and not cold, without a thought we all ran in with a big splash. As we came out of the water after swimming and playing. We went to lay in the shade of a large tree, I didn't notice before, but I was glad it was there. Lying there and realizing we hadn't stopped, because of pain or fatigue, it was so peaceful and quiet.

Then I heard a Loon's call, an eagle's cry; I began hearing all the sounds of the animals I have listened to throughout my life. Sitting up and looking around it was a beautiful scene. The sky was so blue, with puffs of small white clouds. The birds filled the sky; there were eagles, hawks and songbirds of all colors, shape and size. The sounds filled the air. I closed my eyes, as it became the most beautiful song I have ever heard. It filled my heart with joy and peace and I knew I would never forget how it fed my soul.

Rusty lifted my arm with his nose, as I started petting him opening my eyes, to see in the tree was Tony the squirrel. I had helped after he had fallen from the neighbor's house. He came down and laid across my shoulders. As I looked out at the lake and the field of grass and seeing all the animals I have watched throughout my life. I felt them welcoming me to stay awhile longer.

The cat's came over and started teasing the dog's. Standing up with Tony on my shoulder, we started playing again. It was so nice being with them all again running, laughing and playing. After a time most had gone, Tony climbed down off my shoulder and started walking away the fog was starting to roll back in. I heard a dog whine so softly and saw Rusty walk into the fog. The dream was starting to fade, I didn't want it to end. Calling Honey girl three more times as she walked towards the fog. She finally turned and smiled at me, I realized it was time to go.

The whining got louder waking slowly and calling Grey girl. As she came to the side of the bed, I tried getting out of bed but this is the real world and I still have M.S., so giving Grey girl hugs and petting her until I was able to get myself out of bed. The dream was gone, but the love will always be with me.

It was the best sleep I had in years, waking with so little pain for the first time. Knowing we will be whole again but until then, I'll settle for visiting them in my dreams.

Looking back to Look forward

from Nadja of Living! with MS 

Lately I have been feeling some creative inspiration again and I have been looking back at old poetry and journals I wrote at age 23. I found a couple of interesting things. Many things are the same and many are different. Many of the images in my writing are still the same. I still love to be dramatic, and I still am in love with the idea of love :)

I also see the way life has changed. Every day is not a drama. The hard days are not as hard. One of the benefits of age is that it lends perspective. There are still hard days but I guess now I know that the good also comes with the bad. While one day may be a trial, the pain passes quickly and great moments can follow right behind tough ones. Since this blog is "Living with MS!" let me state that I have found these observations to hold true after living almost three years with this diagnoses.

One observation I can share with the newly diagnosed (with relapsing remitting) is that relapses do have an end. Sometimes when you think that some function is irrecoverable, it comes back. It is also easy to get lost in the idea that it's all downhill from the time of diagnoses. Not true: the course of this disease is different for everyone.

My first year was the hardest physically and mentally. At age 34, I am in the best physical condition I have been in since about age 16. I practice yoga every day and physically, I can run circles around my 16 year old students. I have enough perspective on the disease at this point to know that this could also change at any time, but this knowledge is also a gift. When you truly face your mortality and realize that things could change at any time, it makes you value each day of health even more.

Joy is often about valuing what you have, not morning what you have lost or could lose.

The Perfect Love

from Suzanne of LIVING - Life With MS

We waste time looking for the perfect lover instead of creating the perfect love. -Tom Robbins

In December of last year I was in my office and heard this *SPLAT* on my office window. I didn’t want to look. I knew what it was. But, I did look and there on the ground in the rocks was a small grayish bird alternating between breathing heavy and panting with its beak cracked open. Other than the breathing this precious little creature was not moving--at all. It was 20 degrees Fahrenheit outside and I figured in minutes, if it stayed there, not moving, in the freezing cold, it would be dead. I gathered up a shoe box and put a blue hand towel in the bottom of it for warmth.

I headed around the building and halfway around, there at the front door, was another little bird sitting quietly against the building, protected from the wind. It wasn’t the same bird I saw out the window; this one was a little thinner. I tiptoed in to get a closer look and I realized this bird must be the mate to the injured bird so I scooped him up in my bare hands and placed him gently in the uncovered shoebox and he just stayed there, quiet and still. I named him Reginald.

I went to the back of the building where I found the injured bird sitting very still-panting. I immediately scooped her up and placed her in the shoebox, next to her mate. I named her Chloe.

He maneuvered himself next to her, hopping sideways in the box.

I took them inside (I know, I’m lucky they didn’t take off) and let them warm up a bit and then I went out in the garage, left the door open and after a few minutes he flew out the door and went and perched himself in the small tree just off to the left. She still was not moving much but I took her outside and placed the box on the grass and just like that she took off and flew to him. I have to say, it was amazing and I felt like the “Bird Whisperer.”

It made me think—would I do the same? I’m not sure. I’d like to think I would but how can I really be sure. Recently, I told my husband, “You are the love I thought I would never have.” And I meant it. I can’t imagine, nor do I want to, a different kind of love or love with another person. So, yes, I would stay—I am sure.

A marriage can be weakened or strengthened by MS-by any chronic illness for that matter. There are all sorts of statistics about divorce and chronic illness and overall when the man has the illness the divorce rate is lower. I also read that the longer a couple is married the more likely they will stay together after the diagnosis of chronic illness.

We've been married for 16+ years. Shortly after my MS diagnosis I began to wonder if my husband would leave me. Wouldn’t he be better off without me? Why would he stay with someone who is flawed with illness when he could share his life with someone healthy?

I will have MS for the rest of my life (probably) and it will always affect our relationship in some way. And yet, he stays.

Is this the perfect love? I think what we have is a love we created over time that is perfect--for us.

Start creating your perfect love—stop wasting time looking for it. ~SMR 

This concludes the 85th edition of the Carnival.

The next Carnival of MS Bloggers will be hosted here on April 21, 2011. Please remember to submit a post (via email) from your blog of which you are particularly proud, or which you simply want to share, by noon on Tuesday, April 19, 2011.

Thank you.

Comments for this post.

Carnival of MS Bloggers #82

Welcome to the Carnival of MS Bloggers, a bi-weekly compendium of thoughts and experiences shared by those living with multiple sclerosis.

Love, Pride, Brains, Research, and Courage

4-Letter Words

by Kristie of X-Out MS

Today I had to do something that I never thought I would.  I sent my husband (at work) a 4-letter word message.  Just 4 letters. At a point where I didn't know what else to do - scared to no end - the world around me spinning faster than I could handle - and the only thing that popped into my head & that I was able to communicate was a dreadded 4 letter word. 

What was it?

Help.

That 4 letter word for some reason takes so much for me to ask for - and when I do, I feel almost shameful.  It's literally acknowledging that I can't do it on my own & I need someone else to assist me.

Super frustrating.

Then - my husband appeared at my car window - tapping to get my attention as I lay there with my eyes closed to the spinning world around me - and I was filled with the realization of another 4 letter word that I like so much better.

Love.

Run your own race

by Dan Digmann

I realize we aren’t all runners, but hear me out on this.

So the other night I was running on the indoor track at Central Michigan University’s Student Activity Center. It’s where I run in the winter. Not that I mind the cold outside, but it keeps my MS-numbed feet and me from running/slipping/falling on the ice and snow.

Nine laps make a mile. The middle lane of the three-lane track is intended for runners. And this time of year, the SAC track is packed with college coeds eager to sculpt their bodies into spring break shape.

This is my fifth winter running at the SAC, and I had an epiphany the other night when a runner blew past me at lightning-fast speed.

Here's a photo of me running at the SAC that was featured in a Morning Sun article last year.

In previous years I would have trashed talked him in my mind, calling him a showoff and wannabe and thinking how damn funny it’d be if he tripped and fell. Nothing hurt but his pride, but that’d be enough vindication for me.

But this year a kinder, gentler Dan had a more mature thought about this man who sprinted by me as though I was standing still. Rather than hate him, I truly saw myself in him. Because that was me … just two days earlier. I was the one blowing by everyone else.

Two days earlier I was speed training. Sprinting half a lap, jogging for one. Sprinting half a lap, jogging for one. I wasn’t showing off. Not entirely a wannabe. I was running my race. For me.

So many times with MS and life, it’s easy to compare myself to how and what other people are doing. Who would have thought a keeping-up-with-the-Joneses attitude could work its way into living with a chronic illness?

This is where I’m grateful I got into running because the lessons I’ve learned there have helped me to mentally move forward in my life with MS.

When I enter a race, the success of my race is not determined by how I finish overall or within my age group. Rather, how does it compare to my personal best time? My personal best time.

Oh sure, it’s great to place among other competitors. But even then, are we satisfied? One time several years ago I honestly placed first in my age group. Rather than fully celebrate first place, I downplayed it and made excuses (“But there were only two in my age group!”). I imagine I would have been more proud and perhaps even bragged about it had it’d been a personal best.

So I try my best to focus on what I’m doing in running and in life and compare it me. My dreams. My abilities. My circumstances. My goals. My personal best.

And how my personal best compares to everyone else is either excused by my disease – “Yeah, but I have MS” – or an added point of pride – “Yeah! AND I have MS.”

Know yourself, and run your race.

Taking My Brain Back from Multiple Sclerosis

by Diane J Standiford

In my new life at the assisted living/retirement community I had to move to (TWO YEARS AGO! WHERE DID THE TIME GO?), there rages within me the desire to build some new brain cells and paths up there. Many firsts and "never tried before"s have taken place. I hope my brain is growing a bit.

When we are babies, EVERY day is packed full of "never tried before"s, then with each passing year we try less and less, just a fact of being human. So, while I know I'll never catch up with that growth during my earliest years, I will do as much as I can.

Never ate peppers before. Never played Bridge. Never met so many people. Never wrote so much. Never read so much. Never typed so much. Never ate oatmeal, grits, Gouda cheese, asparagus, beef jerky, my stomach must be going crazy. Never spoke Swahili. Never learned so much about the Bible or Beverly Hills. (I thought Palm Springs was in Florida--all knowledge from Blogs I've followed.) Never used skin cream. Well, just never have done so many new things since I was a baby. And you know what? I think it is working. My brain says it is having a blast.

"You never___?!!" Yeah, I get that a lot. I'm 53 and doing it now.

Last week I played a great hand of Bridge. Got the cards and played them well. Nine diamonds, partner opened a spade, I countered a diamond, then back with 3NT. (Spade lead might have sunk me.) My dummy had 2 aces and west lead went low right to her! She also had two diamonds. Perfect. Yes, after over a year, I am beginning to be able to play Bridge.

Now, a game like this covers it all---being social with live people (not that any of you are dead, but we don't have to use as much of our brain with facebook friends or when reading a comment/blog, we basically rely on previous brain paths to decide if the words are sarcastic or serious or neither or both) forces the brain to interpret many body gestures and verbal cues. Shuffling the deck of cards (which I could not do at ALL 2 years ago, but now do it with a passing C), dealing them (again, took over a year) and holding 13 cards, all digging those brain paths.

Taking my brain back from multiple sclerosis is my new destiny. I didn't chose MS, but I can chose this. I am putting action behind the words, "Fight MS," because we really are at war here. When I read those who post "Fight MS" (in blogs and Face Book), they too often are charging straight into drugs or surgery, both which have yet to be without a doubt proven to help MS AT ALL! (That's right, I said it, again, some YouTube videos and people in an early stage, RRMS, or complete undocumented by the medical establishment/scientists stories of great turn-arounds, are not cutting it with me, *I* could have made those videos and told of such success myself after my diagnosis in 1990---and the only culprit was the natural and proven course of MS doing its thing, being healed by my own body in ways no, NO, medical researcher knows.)

"Pass." "One club." "One spade." "Pass." "Two no trump."
Taking back my brain one card at a time.

Now!

by Judy of Peace Be With You

Share the urgency.
That should be the call to arms
of all MSers.

What is evident:
time is not on our side.
Quite the opposite.

Running on ice floats.
Current research feels that way.
We need a cure now!

The following video was sent to me by one of the persons who worked on this mini-documentary.  It is presented by BYUtv.

Courage: Ryan Ren



Finally, I want to congratulate Marc Stecker, the Wheelchair Kamikaze, for being named the Best Patient Blog of 2010.  Way to go, my friend!!


This concludes the 82nd edition of the Carnival.

The next Carnival of MS Bloggers will be hosted here on March 3, 2011. Please remember to submit a post (via email) from your blog of which you are particularly proud, or which you simply want to share, by noon on Tuesday, March 1, 2011.

Thank you.

Comments for this post.

Carnival of MS Bloggers #59

Welcome to the Carnival of MS Bloggers, a bi-weekly compendium of thoughts and experiences shared by those living with multiple sclerosis.

Emergencies, Love at First Sight, Beyond Denial, Peapod

M.S. at 2 a.m. in Orlando E.R. 
by Jennifer Digmann

It’s been a little more than six months since Dan and my trip to Walt Disney World. My memories from that um, memorable trip are still pretty fresh. Let’s see, I remember theme park rides, amazing fireworks, images of Mickey Mouse everywhere and having a great time with my family and Dan. But really what I remember most is my late-night visit to Celebration Hospital in Orlando.

To treat my MS, I take a subcutaneous injection ever day, which is supposed to lessen the frequency and severity of my Multiple Sclerosis. After giving myself injections every day for the last 12 years, I guess it was bound to happen: I had to have an incident to remember.

And remember this one I will.

It was a little later than when I usually take my shot, but we were on vacation – getting away from it all. The day was pretty packed with activities. Eating dinner, taking my shot, and crawling into bed sounded like a perfect ending to a busy Disney day.

I took my pre-filled syringe from the refrigerator, pulled off the cap, inserted the needle into my stomach, and pushed on the plunger. But the plunger didn’t budge. This sometimes is typical because I’ve developed scar tissue from taking so many injections. And as usual, I asked Dan to push in the fluid. He pushed on the plunger, but it still didn’t move.

I gave it another try and in my brilliance, I thought, “Oh, just give it a little twist.” And the next thing I knew, I had a syringe in one hand, and a needle in my stomach. Understandably, I started to freak out. But I tried to stay calm, looking at Dan to fix it. I was pleading with my eyes, “Fix this,” and he was looking at me with confused, “I wish I could” eyes.

Just then, he took his fingers and tried to grab the pointed metal piece and well, you know how quicksand in movies looks? That’s how the needle disappeared into my belly.

Poof. It was gone.

“Oh no! Oh no! What am I going to do?” I frantically questioned.

Dan was as mystified as I was. What could we do? I tried to regain some calm and call the hotel front desk. They transferred me to safety, where I give the same story I just told you. Safety was as mystified. They told me to call paramedics, which I did. When the paramedics arrived I went through the whole story, again, and they said, “We’ve never heard of that. You should probably go to the hospital, and at least have an X-ray.”

So off to the hospital we went. X-rays were taken. At least three times, between doctors and nurses and X-ray techs, I heard, “Wow, never heard of that before.” Comforting, isn’t it? By about 2 a.m., after several X-rays turned up nothing, the doctor told me that he was going to let the needle work itself out, kind of like a sliver. After all, it would be more dangerous to perform surgery to remove something they couldn’t see.

And guess what I said?

“Really, hmm, I’ve never heard of that before.” But I trusted him, and besides I just wanted to go home; home to Michigan, that is.

Because the reality is, when you live with a chronic illness like MS, you never really can get away from it all.

P.S. It really turned out to be a great trip.

P.P.S. Yep, the needle is still there

First Things First 
by Johnnymac

Where to start…..at the risk of sounding like a newbie at an XY Anonymous meeting…

Hi, my name is John, and my wife has MS. I’m compelled to share our story in many hopes….in hope that it can bring a tad more attention to the fight MS patients and their families go through every day, in hope that it can help others dealing with this dreaded disease, in hopes that it can help me think through the challenges we face and make the right decisions, in hopes that it can show other caregivers they aren’t alone in their fears and that the cross we bear is one of love not disease, and that it’s our love that pulls and pushes us forward. There are so many things I want to talk about, but first, here’s our story.

It was love at first sight. I was working in a kiosk at the Golden Triangle Mall in Denton, TX one afternoon 13 years ago when this incredible girl passed by. She was wearing a camouflage t-shit that let her shoulder tattoo barely show under the sleeve, ripped up jeans, short dark brown hair, and had the most beautiful smile I had ever seen. She was smiling at me. About a half hour later she stopped by my place of work and there was the ever so awkward moment of sales clerk trying to help a customer who didn’t really need help.

I kicked myself for days not getting her number.

She wouldn’t get out of my head, all I could think about was this woman I saw at the mall, and my friends were definitely tired of hearing me talk about her. Little did I know she was at that same time telling her best friend she saw the guy she was going to marry. Luckily Denton, TX is a fairly small college town and it didn’t take long for us to run into each other again, this time she was with someone that knew me who drug her to my kiosk and made an actual introduction. Courtney…. I now had a name to dream about along with the face.

Still no number, and I was yet kicking myself again.

You see, although I sometimes pretend otherwise, I’m really quite shy, and it wasn’t until about a month or so later with the assistance of copious quantities of alcohol that I was brave enough to approach her at a bar I frequented (where she happened to be on a blind date..ha!) and got her number. I believe the line was “If I let you get away again without getting your number, I’ll have to kick my own ass”……although I bet it sounded more like “Ish I vet you geet away again wishout hetting your number I’llll have to kish own ash”….I’m surprised she answered when I called. She did, and we’ve been together ever since.

We’ve had many wonderful experiences over the last 13 years, with our 7 year wedding anniversary coming up on April 13^th as a reminder of one of the best. Although life was kind enough to put us in each other’s paths, it isn’t always kind. 2006 saw Courtney starting to experience some balance issues, which we explained away as being tired or perhaps a bit out of shape. She’s a photographer you see, and if you’ve never shot a wedding before you don’t realize the toll a wedding photographer's body goes through. I assisted as a second shooter a couple of times and was crying like a baby the next day complaining how sore I was. It seemed legit, it’s a taxing profession, and her balance wouldn’t get bad until towards the end of the weddings.

Well, it continued to get worse, and we couldn’t explain it away anymore. She had tingling in her right hand and a bit of numbness, her right leg was showing signs of foot drop (we didn’t know what that was back then), she had been experiencing bladder evacuation problems for a long time already, and the wall-walking was beginning. After two sets of MRIs (3 days apart) and EVP testing she was diagnosed with Relapsing Remitting Multiple Sclerosis. We had her tested for heavy metal poisoning and Lyme as well, both of which came back negative. Lumbar Puncture was offered as a final confirmation of diagnosis, but she was very afraid of the procedure and we were told it wasn’t necessary to clinically diagnose her (not to mention she had a wedding to shoot the day after they wanted to do the LP).

Over the last three and a half years, Courtney has slowly progressed in disability, going from wall-walking to a cane and now to a walker (which still hasn’t stopped her from falling at times)…….this progression in spite of using MS drugs like Copaxone and Tysabri. She has the common MS bladder issues like urgency, not being able to fully evacuate, having to get up 5-6 times a night. Spasticity is pretty bad in her right leg, sometimes even popping up like a Pink Flamingo when she’s trying to take a step and locking into that position. Lately she’s been having dizzy spells many times a day along with slight slurred speech (try saying that that 5 times real fast!).

No matter the challenges we face them together. She bears the brunt of the disease, I try to make it bearable.... the best I can. I used to wonder what our life would be like without MS, now all I really care about is that we’re together, and doing the best we can with the situation we’ve been dealt. Don’t get me wrong, we’re fighting this thing tooth and nail, and in the days to come I’ll be sharing our current journey into CCSVI diagnosis and hopeful treatment.

Thanks for reading, and please come back……I have so much to talk about.

We Might Have Sold Our House!
by Joan of A Short in the Cord

A lovely young couple came to visit our house today.



She likes the view from the window.



Of course, they had to discuss it with their agent. Not sure if they'll want to move in.



Stay tuned!

Denial Works (At Least, Until It Doesn't ...) 
by Kate, the Blonde J.D.

What does it mean to be disabled? I received the diagnosis of multiple sclerosis (MS) nearly twenty years ago and I'm still learning.

In the early years (and many of the latter ones too) I was too scared to admit to anyone I had an incurable illness. Denial worked well for me -- like the Law of Attraction in reverse -- out of sight, out of mind, and out of my conscious reality.

But MS must have remained in my subconscious reality because its strange and mysterious symptoms continued to arrive at sporadic and inconvenient times. Like when I woke up thinking I was hungover one morning and was completely blind in one eye by noon. Or the time I was pregnant and lost vision in both eyes for several weeks. Or the day my dog died and I saw the world in duplicate through crossed eyes for the next month.

Don't even ask about my ever present clumsiness, bruises from tripping and falling over nothing, slurring my words when perfectly sober or forgetting even the simplest words and names. It helps to have a sense of humor, and I often blamed these deficiencies on being blonde.

In fact, covering up my symptoms became a source of pride. I even went back to school to become a naturopathic doctor so I could advise others about how they too could cure their "incurable" illnesses with the "right" attitude and lifestyle choices.

But then I became a lawyer.

Everything I had preached about "balance" and "stress management" went right out the window, and the endless hours writing legal briefs for corporations I cared little about (for an employer who cared less about me) made me finally admit that MS is a serious dis-ease. Many times while sitting my office the intense itching/burning in the nerves of my hands and arms made me wish I were a wolf caught in a trap so that I would at least have the option of gnawing my wounded limbs off to be free.

But sadly the only "trap" I was caught in was the snare of working for BigLaw with its lure of financial reward through endless billable hours. So my body solved the problem for me by protesting ever more loudly, and my mind finally had to admit the label "disability" really means something.

It is a humbling experience.

I reluctantly asked for (and begrudgingly received) the accommodation of a reduced hours work schedule. Four months later I was laid off.

My hope for this blog is that by sharing my thoughts and personal experiences about losing a career, fighting for disability benefits, and facing an entirely new lifestyle will encourage others facing major transitions to share their stories too.

MS: Online Grocery Shopping & Home Delivery
by Jen at MS Strength

One of my biggest obstacles and annoyances is grocery shopping. I have to admit that when it’s a small order I don’t mind trekking to the A & P for some things, but when I have to do a big run I get very stressed. I don’t enjoy grocery shopping to begin with: all the decisions, navigating the crowded parking lot (I don’t yet have a handicapped parking placard, but it’s getting very tempting..), navigating the crowds in the store, trekking everywhere for items– oh my goodness! Just talking about all of it is making me tired! Worst is the lugging of heavy bags from the cart into the car and then into the house. I HATE it. I’ve tried to accomplish this during bad stretches with a cane in hand. UGH. I can only imagine using one of the store’s scooters with the ridiculously small basket attached to the front. Nobody moves for me now as I lurch through the aisles, often trying to keep my balance and not crash into someone like what would appear be a drunken sailor. LOL. I can only imagine the added annoyance of a scooter. So the discovery of grocery store home delivery systems has been a sanity-saver for larger orders.

I’ve been utilizing Peapod online shopping as of late. It delivers from Stop n’ Shop, which is one of my local stores. The delivery fees are reasonable: $9.95 for a $60+ order and $6.95 for a $100+ order. The website is easy to navigate and weekly specials are listed. I can also create a bare bones list of regular items that I can continually refer back to in order to save time. Other grocery delivery programs abound. Below is a small list of regional chains (the U.S.) and their programs. Some provide online shopping and home delivery while others allow you to pick up your online order from the store. For your own area of the world, consider calling or looking up local and regional stores online and learning about their online shopping / delivery programs. I find myself much more at ease because of this fantastic concept:
Peadpod
Shoprite
AUL Superstore
Schwan’s
Safeway
Homeland Delivery
Giant Food Stores
Acme Food Stores


This concludes the 59th edition of the Carnival.

The next Carnival of MS Bloggers will be hosted here on April 22, 2010. Please remember to submit a post (via email) from your blog of which you are particularly proud, or which you simply want to share, by noon on Tuesday, April 20, 2010.
Thank you.

Comments for this post.

Carnival of MS Bloggers #30

Welcome to the Carnival of MS Bloggers, a bi-weekly compendium of thoughts and experiences shared by those living with multiple sclerosis.

Bizarre Symptoms, Mechanics, and Love

Stoopid MS Symptoms 
by Blindbeard

I have such a strange hodge-podge of different symptoms from my MS that I feel I need to share them. I know we all have weird things that are hard to explain or not "major" enough to contact our neurologists about, yet they are annoying just the same. There are the common things that most of us can relate to, then there are the things that seem like strange quirks. I'm having some strange quirks right now, so I want to share them in case someone else out there is having some of the same problems.

I have random itchy spots. I have itchy spots on both upper arms, a spot on my upper right chest, a few on my sides and on my mid thighs. They drive me crazy and make me itch and itch until the skin is torn up. I clipped off my nails so I could minimize the damage to my skin, but all I want to do is scratch myself bloody.

My right ear is twitchy and itchy, especially right behind it. I have to rub it every few minutes to make it calm down. I get these shocks around it and up into my hair line -- a twang and vibration that is hard to explain, yet really annoying. My little sister and I were shopping yesterday and I played with my right ear almost non-stop. Made me feel like I had a dirty ear that needed a finger in it at all times. And if I wear a hat it is worse. It intensifies the yucky feeling behind that ear and makes me dig up my hair until it looks like a tornado took off on the right side of my head.

I have facial tics that make me contort my face and make stupid faces. I know I've mentioned this before, but I find it really irritating and embarrassing. My forehead wrinkles than straightens out in quick succession, and around my nose is twitchy and likes to pinch in making me grimace (not to be confused with the guy who likes hamburgers). So I wander around in public grimacing and with my forehead working overtime -- not exactly the most attractive look.

I have trigeminal neuralgia that comes and goes. I will be good for most of the day and when I start getting tired my face starts to hurt. It is along the right side of my face into my jaw and teeth. When it is flaring up I don't want to move my face at all. I avoid talking, eating (too bad it isn't in full flare-up, I lost almost 10lbs the last time it was at full force) and anything that might touch my face, ie no makeup. Not sure if this is related to my TN or just MS in general, but I have decreased taste on the right side of my tongue. Does anyone else have that too? I wonder if it is more common than it seems -- I'm not sure I've ever read about decreased taste before. I might have and just forgot about it; my memory is not so hot some days.

I have a hard time getting my body into the correct positions in chairs. It seems like I can't remember how I am supposed to sit anymore. I shift and shift but can't find a comfortable position. I can't remember how I used to sit and it bothers me that in chairs I look like I have a poker up my wazoo. Sometimes in bed I will toss and toss trying to find the old way I used to sleep but can't find it. Somewhere along the line I lost the ability to figure out how my body used to be in repose and I'm not sure I'll ever find it again. I know that is not a major thing, but it is majorly irritating.

I could probably think of more things, but Princess had her cousin spend the night last night and they are wild and hyper this morning; distracting me with constant chatter and questions. This probably goes without saying but I'll say it anyway: I would love to hear about any strange symptoms that you have. After all misery does love company and I can't exactly send these wild girls to your house, which you should be very glad of -- they ate all the good food in the house.

Positively Shocking 
by Shauna

I have seen a few picture galleries of close ups of electronic equipment and thought it would be neat to try some myself. They look like mini industrial cities or industrial parks. Of course I swiped, with permission, a dead motherboard from someone's laptop at work. Cool, eh?


I find the mechanical components quite fascinating, more so than the electronic parts for some reason. Perhaps because I seem to have a love/hate relationship with electricity and negative experiences with static (pun intended). Perhaps because I can never seem to remember Ohm's Law. Or perhaps because it's just one of those things I can't seem to wrap my mind around. Like time travel.

When I was first learning to drive, I was very frustrated because I just didn't "get" how cars work. And why did we only use one foot for two pedals instead of both feet?

Same thing with computers. Punch cards? Just one of those things out of place and I was destroyed for another 7 hours.

So anything more complex than a simple machine seems to be beyond my grasp. Give me a wheel, a pulley, an incline or a lever any day. They were good enough for Leonardo da Vinci. He came up with flying machines and submarines without knowledge of electricity or electronics.

Thank God that electrical things are of interest to other people and that wonderful things can come of that interest. Like lights in the night time. Radio. The internet.

Of course, electricity powers our bodies, though to a lesser degree. It is no less important. Without electricity in our bodies, we'd have no thoughts, heartbeats, or life as we know and enjoy it. For those of us with MS, we need stronger and more resistant insulation to cover the nerves that conduct that electricity.

Power companies have to spend money to maintain power lines, poles, transformers and the billions of other parts that keep us in the light. As MSers, we have to try to maintain our infrastructure as well, through diet, exercise, and mental stimulation. Some of us take medications that, like the power company linesmen, try to prevent power outages and maintain the system.

My dad is a retired electrical engineer. He understands all that electrical stuff that I don't. When I was five he took us for a drive to the construction site of a transformer to show us what he did for work. It wasn't until I was 16 or 17 that I finally understood what he did. I've been to a few of the other project sites that he worked on and while I found the experiences interesting, to be honest it was the mechanics of everything that I found most fascinating. Hydro-electric site? Never mind the electricity the water would generate, I wondered how the water tanks got full, how the dams opened and closed. Looking at the electrical plans for different buildings I wondered more about the blue ink used to print the plans or the different symbols on the paper. Sorry, Dad. I am amazed that human beings have figured out how to harness various sources and turn them into electricity; I just have a mental block when it comes to understanding how it works. I just know and trust that it does.

I also know and trust that there are people who understand the mechanics and electronics of the brain. They are the people we MSers are counting on to fix our power bumps.

Grandpa's Advice: Don't Be a Key Turner 
 by Mary Ann

Today would have been my grandfather's birthday. And though he's been dead a number of years, I think about him everyday - or at least every time I drive a car or open a locked door.

He was always free with advice and he often reminded his grandchildren to "not be a key turner."

My grandfather lived on the same street for most of the years I was growing up. He did his best to make sure I wasn't a key turner.

A key turner is a person who knows how to jump in the car, turn the key and go. A key turner does not know what to do when the oil light flashes, how to fill a gas tank, change a tire or what transmission fluid smells like. A key turner would never look at the drippings in the driveway and conclude something might be leaking.

You can bet I knew a lot about what was under the hood of my car when I first began driving. I knew that turning a key was just a tiny part of the process of making a car go from one place to another. I knew that knowledge and maintenance contributes to successful driving.

That key-turning business applies to more then cars, of course.

It applies to all things mechanical. I knew how to oil my sewing machine and keep my bike running. He made sure I could do minor repairs and maintenance on the washer, dryer, dishwasher, stove and lawnmower

The key-turner philosophy also applies to a person individually. It is up to you to know as much about you as possible and become your best advocate.

Just like your driving habits may mean your car never gets the miles per hour promised on a sticker label , your multiple sclerosis may differ from your neigbhor's MS. You may never need a wheelchair, you might need one a year after you are diagnosed. You may be able to keep working when someone else can't. You might only read, not experience, the Lhermitte's Sign's flash of electricity along your back..

Remembering that "your mileage may vary" helps me speak up when a doctor tries to prescribe a drug I know won't chase an infection away even if "it works for everyone else."

Being everybody else never was a goal in my family.

Is He Going to Leave You?
by Screaming Richie

When it was diagnosed that Herrad had MS and as it became obvious it was going to be really shitty people started asking Herrad about me. “Is he going to leave you?”

Funny till that point it had not occurred to me that I could. I could not see why I should want to. Herrad and I are a partnership. MS was happening to us. At first I was a bit shocked. How dare people even think I would shit on the love of my life just because things get rough? I would expect Herrad to care for me in similar circumstances. My Dad didn’t get on his bike when my Mum got cancer. He nursed her through the painful last days of her life. He and I may not have always got on but that is something I love him for- he loved my Mum.

I started to read blogs and chat rooms about MS and then found the reason for the questions: lots of men run when it starts getting nasty.

I was a failed comedian with no job, house or visible means of support when we got together. I guess I didn’t fall into the “most eligible” category. Many of Herrad’s friends are middle class. Not every one thought Herrad was very wise to get involved with me. They have known men from their background who bottle it. Cut and run in the cruelest most selfish manner. “Good men”- lawyers, business men and the like. So OK it would not be too strange for a scruffy geezer like me to sneak off- I screwed most things up- why should this be different?

So I decided it was amusing when Herrad’s aunty Sigrid called from Canada every month and asked if I was leaving. She wanted to be re-assured because she had talked to people with experience of this disease and many of them were dumped by their partners.

I am going nowhere without my Herrad. Sigrid now thinks I am quite a guy. She sends me her love now and asks what I am cooking for dinner. If anyone else thinks I am not good enough for Herrad they can stick their opinion where the sun don’t shine. The rank is but the Guineas stamp, the mans the gold for all that.

It is not easy dealing with the hard stuff but I would not to hide. I chose right and I salute all you men and women who have made the same choice as me. Let love rule.

Let Love Rule!!! What a great philosophy.


This concludes the 30th edition of the Carnival.

The next Carnival of MS Bloggers will be hosted here on March 12, 2009. Please remember to submit a post (via email) from your blog of which you are particularly proud, or which you simply want to share, by noon on Monday, March 10, 2009.

Thank you.

Comments for this post.

Random Thoughts - How a few simple words can break down walls

This post was started over a month ago but I never finished it. I share it here with you today because my heart goes out to those...

• who struggle alone in life
• who desire support, love, and understanding
• who bust their butt surviving and succeeding
• who need human contact in an inhumane world
• who deserve respect and understanding, regardless
• who expect boundaries to be observed and protected
• who wish for decency and honesty in the world
• who stand up for injustices and stand out against ignorance
• who are private
• who can be hurt
• who can be angry as hell
• who are sad
• and most importantly, who need to know that somebody CARES.

So last month, wanting to connect with others and withdraw into myself (at the same time), I experienced a conflict of desires.

On Monday, February 11, 2008, I just couldn't envision sitting with children (music students), the majority of whom would not have been astonishingly prepared for their lessons. So I indulged myself and cancelled my afternoon students to be able to spend a few precious hours to myself, the first opportunity to be alone since Joshua had died (my 19-year old cat.)
It was difficult to call each family to announce "no lessons today" - but for those who know me well inquired as to if I were feeling well. Only one mother asked in such a way that I "spilled the beans" to her and told her about my 19-year old cat who had just passed away.

But something very touching happened. Near the time which this child would have had her lesson early that evening, my doorbell sounded. I answered it to find my student carrying a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card. She told me that she was very sorry for my cat. We looked at each other. I thanked her. Then gave her a big hug. In the card and on the envelope, this 9-year old girl had drawn numerous hearts around her picturesque portrayal of me and my cat.

Surrounded by love was the message she gave.

***********

Later that evening, I did attempt to teach a couple of high school students. It's kinda odd though as one of my students turned the tables on me.

There are a variety of questions I almost ALWAYS ask each student at the beginning of each lesson, such as "how was your week?" or "anything new going on?" or "how did that practice technique work out?"

Basically, acknowledging that...

• I understand you are more than just my music student.
• I truly care about what is going on with you.
• You are a person with a life outside these walls and what goes on out there affects what goes on in here.
• WE are a on-going group project and must work together to reach common goals.
• and I expect you to fully participate.

So my piano student asks me, "how was your week?"

I couldn't really answer, or rather didn't want to answer, the question. So I simply shrugged. Now those who know me know that my face hides nothing. There may be instances where I'm better able to conceal disappointment, but for shear raw emotion, nothing is hidden. My student just looked back...paused...and opened her music to begin working. This was quite a divergence since she is an extremely talkative gal.

That question hung in my ears and the answer crawled at my throat. As we began the task of creating music, the tears pushed hotly against my eyelids. It became increasingly difficult to place my attention on the task at hand. Remember, lessons are a group project and without MY participation, there is no group.

But El. respected my boundary of silence.

No assumptions, no guesses, no further questions. What I did not offer, she did not seek to take from me. Examine the situation at face value, consider the known quantities, do not force information into inappropriate places, and be willing to acknowledge that one tiny piece of information may change the entire picture and go from there.

These are things which I seek to 'give' to my students.

• A sense of honesty and integrity
• A respect of personal boundaries
• A willingness to share of ourselves
• An openness to seeking solutions and collaborating on problems
• and a joy of creating music.

So finally, after about 20 minutes, I conceded that I was incapable of reaching beyond my self and connecting with my student. The essence of collaboration was missing. She was open, but I was not.

Did this make me a failure? No, it simply confirmed that I am human.

So what does all of this have to do with multiple sclerosis or life in general?

It serves as a reminder to make no assumptions, respect boundaries, and acknowledge that there are REAL PEOPLE on the other end of that keyboard with REAL LIFE EXPERIENCES. You may not know what they are, but understand that each person accumulates a variety of experiences from birth which serve to shape that person's life in vast unknown ways.

Be kind. Be respectful. Be honest. Be courageous. Be strong.

Know that YOU are surrounded by hearts as only a 9-year old can express.

Joshua means "Yahweh (God) rescues"

Today I am sad...

This is Joshua.

My dear old friend.

My companion.

He is 19 years old

and he is dying...

He stood by his water bowl today and meekly meowed...

He was sick Sunday night with massive diarrhea and today the vet says that his intestines, kidneys, and liver are shutting down.

I'm not ready....so he is receiving IV fluids, some glucose, and an appetite stimulant. Since his circulation has slowed down his thyroid meds (delivering transdermally on the ear) have not been absorbing well and puts more strain on his heart.

After a day in the kitty infusion center, he will come home with me. If the fluids and meds do not help at this time, it will time for me to let him go.

My friend who...

...entered my life before my senior year in college at the University of Oklahoma.

...is named after an angel who touched the life of someone I once loved.

...dialed 911 (speed dial on a speaker phone), summoned the police, and scared my roommate.

...would like to ride on my shoulders while traveling to and from campus on weekends.

...learned how to travel 5.5 hrs in the car when I was at Baylor University.

...was lease-trained and loved to roam the courtyard at my apartment while being hooked to a post. He enjoyed the sun and grass so.

...was afraid of the clarinet after a fellow graduate student played in my apartment. However, he enjoyed listening to my horn until he got jealous of it and would sulk in the bedroom while I practiced in the livingroom. [It's hard to imagine now, but my rent in Waco in 1990-1992 was only $275 a month...about the same rate which my parents' mortgage payments were for the home they bought in 1979. I can only dream.......]

...loved to jump into the linen closet at my parents' house and play with the door. This was practically the first thing he would want whenever I visited my folks during school breaks. He would run down the hallway, stop in front of the linen closet until I opened the door, jump in and either play or curl up in the back on top of the towels and take a nap.

...didn't really like traveling to Bloomington, IN after I moved there to work on a doctorate in music at Indiana University. However, we did seem to work out a routine which alleviated his anxiety a bit on those 13-hours journeys.

...has flown on airplanes numerous times and took it in stride.

...learned to 'bark' like a dog after a neighbor moved in with a young dog. Joshua would go towards the door and make a meow/bark noise which was part 'hump' and part 'mmreow.'

...learned to climb the concrete trellis in front of my apartment door and go up to the second floor. But then he would meow loudly because he was stuck and needed for me to come rescue him.

...would not chase mice, drink milk, nor eat tunafish. But he likes to eat raisins, chew lettuce, and bite on rose petals. And I did witness him eating a cricket he had been playing with once.

...has now lived in three homes here in northern Virginia where he is always the king of the manor. He has us trained, especially me, to get up - go to his favorite spot in the livingroom - reach down to pet him while he rubs his head in a crinkly plastic bag. Aw, that's heaven.

...has been a part of my life longer than any other non-relative out there.

But for now, I have to give him a chance with fluids and care.

His spirit is strong though I am sad.

Love, Depression, and Loneliness

"I've been thinking...seriously thinking.
Thinking alot."

A line from Later the Same Evening, an opera by composer John Musto and librettist Mark Campbell, inspired by the art of Edward Hopper.

There will always be times which we each may feel a little disconnected from our surroundings or even our companions. We may become lost in our thoughts and become isolated. Or we may wake up one day to Houseguests as Tati described recently.

"The problems arise when things go missing around the house. Things I need. Just the other day I was searching for my self-esteem and found it in the crapper. And someone hid my feelings of worthiness behind my daughter's eyes. (A fine enough place for them to roost, but I need some of my own so she's not responsible for them.) To add insult to injury, this morning I tripped over a fresh batch of I'm-Not-Good-Enough as I stumbled out of bed."

But sometimes, withdrawing can help each of us to care for ourselves as only we are able to. No one knows exactly how and what you need to be Loving Yo'Self as fellow MS blogger, Merelyme, discussed recently as part of the Love-in she has been hosting.

"The first element of self-love I wish to discuss is taking care of ourselves emotionally.

How can we show love for our emotional selves?

For those of us who have mood disorders, this is a big deal. For me there exists a bad feedback loop when I get caught up in depression. The depression itself causes you to not take care of yourself and to resign yourself to doing things which are not so mentally healthy. And these actions or sometimes lack of actions for doing mentally healthy things...causes the depression to linger even more."

In my experience, this is so very true. As you may know, patients with Multiple Sclerosis often experience depression of varying levels. For me, depression introduced itself during college (and most probably earlier in my childhood but that I didn't know how to express my emotions or understand them back then.) At first the physician at the campus clinic labeled me with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), which made sense as I had only ever lived in the big open skies and sunny air of Oklahoma and Texas. That first winter in Bloomington, Indiana, was truly gray and dark and cold and shut-in. At IU even all the buildings are made of gray limestone which match the gray skies which were often full of heavy precipitation blowing from across the northward great lakes. So a brief round of anti-depressant was ordered and which seemed to help just a bit. But over time, it became apparent that SAD was not to blame for the cyclical, clinical depression which hit years before MS.

Another fellow MS blogger, Shirl, referenced the same post of Merelyme's just today in Love and Self-Worth. I agree whole-heartedly with Shirl that persons do not need to be dealing with depression to appreciate the discussions occuring over at Merelyme's place. I like what Shirl had to say:

However, when I say the word 'depression', I know it can mean two things. For the most unfortunate ones suffering clinical or cyclical depression with a capital D, my heart goes out to you. I know you cannot always 'work' your way out of it by simply choosing the correct activities; believing those that say they love you; spending time with the right people - those that increase your confidence rather than destroy it. Although a certain amount of these strategies do help once the positive frame of mind begins to peep through the overwhelming gloom.

My own 'depression' is more like a bad day or two or three. It is not easy to live through BUT coping mechanisms aways bring me through. That, and the unquestioning love of Pete. Merelyme's feature caused me to stop and think about my own ways of getting through each day with positive, fulfilling activities and relationships. Please read it.

To the number of other MS bloggers who have been struggling with depression recently (myself included, and I know you are out there) please know that support is abundant and often talking/writing about it helps to loosen its' grip on your soul.

Only recently did I decide to open myself up in a more personal way and join the community of MS bloggers. And what a community I have found. [You health policy wonk guys are nice too, but this is different.]

To those dealing with MS and its' related difficulties out there in the blogosphere, and for whom I might be able to use my knowledge to assistance, please don't hesitatate to contact me. I'm here for you (as well as myself.)