Saturday, September 5, 2009

There is Still Hope

Monday is my birthday. It should be a happy time, I suppose. Isn't 41 truly the beginning of middle age? I can hardly believe that it's been over 9.5 years since I temporarily went blind due to optic neuritis. Wow, time flies and life has changed.

Many of those changes have been good and the result of unexpected circumstances. But lately I've been fighting a depressed mood. Insomnia has grabbed me and I do enjoy the quiet of night. I have little motivation to get things done which is understandable when using the vacuum makes my wrists hurt, folding laundry makes my arms ache, and the presence of piles of clutter on just about ALL surfaces makes me stick my head in the sand (so to speak).

I do like this time of year though. The temperatures begin to drop, sweat doesn't begin to drip as soon as you go outside, and a blanket on the bed gets used at night. The only thing I wish did not change during this time is the length of days becoming shorter. Much too soon, it will be getting dark at 5PM.

Besides that, Monday is my birthday (which I think I already said). Last year, I approached my birthday with great expectations and hopes for the future. I was turning 40 and pretty excited about potential changes in my life... changes which failed to occur. Now, I'm trying really hard not to dwell on the differences between dreams and realities, expectations and results, hopes and failures.

I'm trying to hold it together and live without expectations. But it's really hard when there is still hope.

To symbolize the assembly of putting our lives back together after disappointment, I'm offering the jigsaw puzzle below.

Click to Mix and Solve

Now go have a great Labor Day weekend!!


  1. Hope you have a great 41st birthday on Monday! I'll be thinking of you...

    We all go through periods like the one you write about, I have no doubt that sharing these feelings will help you get back to a brighter place in the near future.

    Stay strong, and don't worry about disorder around the house. It bugs me too, but I'm getting over it. Eventually that will get done, right now what is important is to focus on yourself!


  2. 41, yeah, all my crazy life I couldn't wait to be 30. I would have it made. Have a lifetime partner, good job, buy a house by 35 so the 30yr mortg would be paid off when I retired at 65. I would move to a big city, full of liberals, cultural events, and plenty of walking! Oh, and get a great dane! Well, I did get a good job and partner, got the city, but nix to the other stuff, but then it is just stuff. My 30s were not what I planned, but I keep getting an extra year and am thankful for that. Happy Birthday! I bet there will be parades on your day...well, at least you won't have to labor.

  3. Hi, it's MY birthday on Monday, too!! I understand all of what you are experiencing,also. Have a happy birthday -- I'll be blowing a few more candles than you, but I'm thannkful for each extra one!

  4. Happy birthday! Look back on this past year, celebrate your accomplishments, and challenge yourself to make this next year even better. May there always be the hope that keeps us us all moving forward!

  5. Happy birthday, Lisa!

    I always pegged middle age at 45, so in my book, you're not quite there yet. :-)

  6. You say, “…it's really hard when there is still hope.”

    I say, keep the hope. Without it, the hard reality of living with MS might become your entire reality. It’s a bit like playing the lottery. You can only win if you buy a ticket. Hope is your ticket to a bonanza of health and joy.
    Have a wonderful 41st birthday! You render the MS community a loving service through your wonderful blog. Treat yourself lovingly today. You deserve it.

  7. Happy Birthday Lisa! I hope you had a great time celebrating.

    Keep hoping. You have the strength and will to get what you want. Go for it!

  8. I'm planning on living until I'm 120, so I'm not even close to middle age yet. I hope your birthday was wonderful.


  9. Thank you guys so much for the lovely birthday wishes and kind, supportive words.

    @RA Guy
    I have begun to feel better after having put these words and thoughts into the ether. The house is still a mess but at least I feel better about it.

    You truly are fortunate in this world (well, if you forget about the chronic illnesses which plague you and Karenlee). To have what you truly need, especially the lifetime partner, is wonderful.

  10. @Muffie
    HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! Isn't it nice that they had a special day set aside just for you? LOL

    You make me laugh!

    Thanks. I did have a good day. Very laid back, a nice nap, good dinner at Rob's and my favorite Thai restaurant, and afterwards a trip to get an accurate ring size (again, lol).

    Wow, you're planning to hang on at least as long as Diane's Aunt Vi. But she might actually make it further. I just read about your relapse, I'm sorry to hear that and hope that you are feeling better.

  11. @Dan
    Yes, when I do look back at my accomplishments I amaze myself. I've had a year like none other and there is only more goodness and excitement to come.

    @Peace be with you
    "keep the hope" - absolutely!! Sometimes I do begin to dip into a major depressive episode and I've been trying to avoid this one. I think that maybe I'm coming back up.

    One gesture wish I had hoped would occur on, if not well before, my birthday did not. But that's okay. Patience is a virtue, right?

    "hope is your ticket to a bonanza of health and joy" - wise words. Thank you.

  12. Lisa, you are not alone. Let us share our fight against depression together! A wise person once said, "If you look into your own heart, and you find nothing wrong there, what is there to worry about? What is there to fear?" Yes, that was Confucius who said that, but the words ring very true! I hope that gave you a smile and made you think about how lovely you are, all at the same time!