Thursday, July 17, 2008

Carnival of MS Bloggers #15 - Mood Edition

Welcome to the Carnival of MS Bloggers, a bi-weekly compendium of thoughts and experiences shared by those living with multiple sclerosis.

Shauna of bugs, bikes, brains starts us off with What Makes Me Happy.

NH=Not Happy and H=Happy.

NH: waking an hour or so before the alarm clock goes off.
H: hearing the loons at a nearby lake at 5 AM.

NH: getting my boots filled with water at a river clean up
H: the river clean up

NH: paying bills
H: that I'm able to drive, work and shop

NH: the clothes I just bought a week ago are now too loose
H: I'm losing a little bit of weight

NH: neuropathic pain:
H: maybe it's continued re-myelination

And this is where I got stuck. I can't think of enough things that make me not happy to continue in this vein (which is something in itself to be happy about) so I'll instead list the things that make me happier.
Here's where you venture over to Shauna's blog to read what makes her happier, then hurry back here to finish the rest of the Carnival.

I particularly enjoyed the following comment left at the above post:

"Even if in a somewhat "bad" mood when I arrive at your blog, I always leave a wee bit "happier" after reading it! You really ARE a genuinely good-natured and delightful soul...and since happiness is found within, I doubt you have to look very far for yours...thanks for your posts and pics." - Linda D. in Seattle

Jen who blogs at MSfriend discusses a Foul Weather Mood.
On this topic, I have to admit that I’m a somewhat moody person. Just like the weather, there are days when I feel sunny and temperate, brisk and aloof, cold and not open to conversation, misty and sad, and hot and volatile. Doesn’t everyone? I like to think that I’m not the only moody person out there, and I do have a way of reigning it in when situations call for it. I think over the years I have learned to better control my emotions when I need to—- something challenging for fiery Aries people who pretty much wear their thoughts and emotions on their sleeves. Nevertheless, I try to make a conscious effort to keep calm and not overreact.
Read the rest of Jen's post here.

Nadja, the Denver Refashionista who is Living! with MS, shares the following -
Your feelings are your feelings, like it or not. In yoga, we try to train ourselves to be free of judgment yet often, we are our own harshest critics.

I am beating myself up. I can’t seem to stop. It is a compulsion. Every day I read blogs by other MSers and I see just how good I have it and still, I feel sorry for myself. That leads me to anger. Who am I to wallow in a mood or a symptom when someone else has it ten times worse?

My mood is black. It has been for several days. I can’t stop the pity party but I feel guilty for feeling this way. I feel completely bowled over, like I can’t function at all. Under the strain of night after night where I cannot sleep because I hurt, I am cracking. I can see the fissure. I remind myself of worse times where I learned that breath can rescue one, even from the abyss, yet I cannot seem to change my own mind.

I am being torn apart. It feels awful to be so exhausted and overwhelmed. When I was first diagnosed I learned it was ok to just chill. I learned to accept myself and others… Now it seems I am regressing. Breath isn’t enough to make me forget the pain. It doesn’t help me sleep. My mind is not growing calm. I am being destroyed by the notion that I should be doing more. I shouldn’t just sit around. It’s not ok to just scream and cry and still produce nothing.

I am haunting myself. I know these ideas are not coming from elsewhere. My rational mind knows that it’s ok to rest or to just lie around but a part of me will not accept this. I don’t feel better until I have gone to yoga, cleaned house, written and done some homework. Why can’t I escape this insanity? I am always telling others that being present has saved me, that I no longer do things I don’t want to do but I have trapped myself into believing that I am nothing if I am not doing something. Yoga teaches us to “be” and I can’t seem to just be.

When I was sick I was fueled by steroids and mystical experiences. My creativity knew no bounds. Now it is being sucked from my depths as I slowly drown in a sea of self-pity. Is this hormonal? Absolutely. Will I be swept up again in a few weeks? Almost undoubtedly. When I see my future with two weeks sliced out of every month to convalesce, I’m scared. How will I manage when I have to work again?

I like to conclude on an uplifting note but I do not feel uplifted from writing so I will conclude by restating my intro, “Your feelings are your feelings, like it or not.”

This concludes the 15th edition of the Carnival.
The next Carnival of MS Bloggers will be hosted here on July 31, 2008. Please remember to submit a post (via email) from your blog of which you are particularly proud, or which you simply want to share, by noon on Tuesday, July 29, 2008.

Thank you.
Comments for this post.


  1. Nadja–

    Your Carnival post is so raw and real. I imagine everyone with MS feels this way from time to time. I feel very much like you in regards to guilt (I am still pretty mobile, yet I just won my disability case because I can’t hold down even a part-time, outside job on a regular basis, yet I don’t use a cane or a wheelchair), PMS (I become my worst critic, even though I know it’s hormonal, and all my accomplishments mean nothing to me at this point), and insomnia (the steroids and the attack itself make me so anxious and sleepless, even on sleeping meds, and it takes me about a month to sleep a little better, but I don’t usually sleep well to begin with because my mind is always spinning in overdrive, thinking about what I can and can’t do.)

    Just letting you know that I do understand and it makes me feel a little less isolated hearing you say the same things.


  2. Shauna---

    I like the list. It keeps things upbeat and reminds us of all the light, happy stuff that still goes on.

    Jen @

  3. Wow Lisa, thanks for leaving a comment on my blog so that I could discover this one! I will definitely bookmark it to spend a little time reading when I get back from vacation!

  4. Depression comes with MS, what we need to recognize is not all depression is from MS. MS'ers has to recognize when medication is causing depression because when it is brought on by medication it can be dangerous.