Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Baring Our Souls

We share so much of ourselves here in the blogosphere, or rather some folks share details of their personal lives and some might fabricate their lives. Others just talk in generalities and present objective information.

I've never been good at fabrication. In fact my Mom always said that my face is incapable of lying. I tend to believe her as I can't hide things very easily at all.

There are a few things which I do try to hide (not very effectively). I tend to eat in secret (in my bedroom) and not move enough to burn off the calories. This is a hard thing to share in a public forum but it's true. As a result I am miserably overweight, scratch that, obese and not in good physical shape. This is NOT good for living with chronic illness.

So in an attempt to get honest with myself and to hopefully connect with others who might be experiencing similar issues, I approached HealthCentral about sharing my journey in a journal form on their Obesity website. I had noticed in December that there weren't any "regular people" using the site until Kimberly signed up to blog. She's a sweet 18 year old who has tackled her weight and continues to focus on being healthier.

So far I've only written 2 posts, but feel that I've shared so much of myself in them already:
271.6 lbs and Body Fat and BMI - My, oh My!!

It seems like I'm going through so many changes right now. I've started using Rituxan and haven't started using Copaxone again (yet). I'm using much less symptomatic treatments as a result. Less gabapentin, hardly any provigil, no baclofen (until the cold weather just recently has gotten the better of those muscles). This is good news.

Last year I had added Wellbutrin to my regular entourage of medications to help out the zoloft which seemed to not be doing as much any longer. Although whenever I had tried to taper off the zoloft, I could feel the negative affects so it must have been doing something.

But this past fall, I decided that I did want to taper off the zoloft if for no other reason than I really wanted some of my sexual mojo back. Yes, I had come to the conclusion that one reason I have basically no sex drive is due to the medication. I'd like to get that part of my life moving again. (Sorry if this is TMI.)

I took the last pill in my current supply at the beginning of December. Then my Grandfather died. Then I had a stressful trip. Then my boyfriend of 4.5 years who has been by my side since before the official MS diagnosis and who stayed after the RA diagnosis did not propose over the holidays like I honest-to-goodness thought that he would do, finally, this year.

I've become very weepy, but it's hard to know if it is the lack of zoloft (while I'm still taking Wellbutrin) or just simply life events which has me this way. And now we're back into a new year where folks are talking resolutions and other bleh stuff.

My intent at writing about my weight and health is not to tell people what they should do. Heck, I don't really even know what to do myself right now. But I intend to be honest with myself in public. Remember, I am not really capable of making things up. I am who I am and by sharing my journal with whoever is interested, I hope.....

Oh, I don't know. I just hope not to feel so alone I suppose.


  1. Lisa, thank you for your honesty. I suspect we all, myself included, share only a small portion of our real lives on the blogosphere, in part because as you say it's TMI. But I also believe in keeping it real which is why increasingly I'm engaging in less self-censorship in the content of my poems. I didn't want to make people feel sadder than they already felt, and then I realized that the poems people seem to comment on are the ones in which I speak of loss and sadness. If that helps someone, then I won't feel so self indulgent. Thanks for leading us along this path, which you do so well.

  2. Its hard, Its hard to put yourself out there, and increasingly hard for me when I realize that people I know have occasionally read it. It inhibits me a bit sometimes I think, kinda miss being able to get the frustrations out without worry that I'm being judged, or that I've accidentally offended someone. The thing is I think its self-therapy some times, and I think its needed. Sometimes the only way I can get things clear in my head, is to write/type it out. I'm much better expressing myself that way then trying to say it out loud most of the time. I have tons of respect for you and what you consistently deal with. I know what its like to be the one that others view as "overly sensitive".
    Regarding the weight, I will say that food choices have so much to do with it. Find things that you can snack on and not feel bad about. Since changing my diet for dealing with my MS symptoms, I had lost 60+ lbs in the course of 8 months. None of it (even though it makes me sound bad) was because of exercise, it was all strictly food choices. Its not pleasant at first, but after awhile it becomes second nature. You may notice a help in energy level too. I can't say that It has taken all my symptoms away, because it doesn't but it does seem to minimize a lot of them. I still have bad days, but not as bad as when this adventure first started. You can do this, know that you are in my prayers :)

  3. Lisa,

    I stand and applaud your honesty and openness.
    I will cheer you on with your quest for weight loss and finding your libido. Then I expect to hear some cheering on your part....or maybe you celebrate more quietly...


  4. Lisa,
    This is incredibly courageous. I really appreciate your honesty. I suffered from an eating disorder and depression for many, many years when I was younger. I was anorexic and bulmic from the time I was a teenager on and off until I was about 30...I would hide that I was not eating and then hide when I did eat too. Eventually with a lot of help I overcame my eating disorder and my relationship to food changed and became healthy. I won't say perfect. When I'm sick or depressed I still tend to go back to not eating...and then I'm ok again. But it's a shadow that follows me. My sister on the other hand is severely obese. Same issues, just a different form.

    I think one thing that really helped me was exactly what you are doing here. Coming clean. Being heard. And finding out that I wasn't alone in my battle with food/weight. Hang in there Lisa. Know that it is safe to share your secrets here on line with your blogging support team.

    gentle steps,

  5. My brave, beautiful, genuine friend. : )


  6. Hey Lisa, you are definitely not alone. It's like a viscous cycle. I can't get up and move that well, but I can still eat like a teenage boy in a growth spurt! 320 lbs is hard for a healthy person to drag around, so it's obviously tough for me. I need to do something, just don't know what...yet!

  7. Lisa - weight loss is so difficult. Currently, I'm on the "weight gain" diet. I will check out your Health Central blog on the loss. More power to you!

  8. I bet more people have had to deal with weight issues sometime in their lives, than not. So common, yet we do nothing, deny, make excuses, you are an inspiration to many and I support you on this new adventure.

  9. Hi Lisa
    I never kew food tasted soooo good until I started with the IV steriods. Of course, the increased eating led eventually to several dress-size increases. ..what a drag..not only do I have to deal with MS symptoms, I also have great disdain for this weight gain. Still struggling to loose but don't know how to combine dieting with the diet rules. Please know you are not alone in either arena...MS or Weight ....see ya Helen